You Don't Bring Me Flowers

You Don't Bring Me Flowers (Barbra Streisand)
I used to hear the song a lot when I was young but never really took notice of it until recently when I borrowed "Barbra: The Concert" VCD, the one that was staged like a 2 act musical (loved this production). Anyway, when I got to the 2nd Act of the concert, I was so moved when she sang this song. I really felt bad, as I listen to every word within the song. It brought me back to that feeling I had with an ex who was so afraid to loose . . .(long story)
Anyway I find this song really tragic . . . the beginning of the song recounts how their relationship turned sour . . . You don't bring me flowers, You don't sing me love songs, You hardly talk to me anymore, When you come through the door at the end of the day . . . And then came the worst part . . . I remember when, You couldn't wait to love me, Used to hate to leave me, Now after lovin' me late at night, When it's good for you and you're feeling all right, Well you just roll over and you turn out the light . . . I find this line so depressing . . . i can just imagine the feeling of being degraded to a mere sex object. anyway, just want to share this song, but i love the song, the melody and the lyrics really goes well together and Barbra sang it really well, i love the solo version though instead of the duet version. . .

[words get in the way]

i realized you're seeing someone new. . .the realization hit me like a bomb, shattering my heart into pieces. . . Another proof that the truth fucking hurts! i don't believe he knows you like i do. . . then came denial, excuses. . . make myself believe that he might be wrong, that soon, he will come to his senses and forget about the other guy for me. your temperamental moody side, the one you're always tryin to hide from me. . .then it hit me, i may not really know him after all. . .am i just pretending to know when you have something on your mind, you've been tryin to tell me for the longest time . . . i guess all the while im just fooling myself, and before you break my heart in two there's something i've been tryin to say to you. . .
but the words got in the way, there's so much i want to say, so much that i don't even know where to start, it seems too big in my head that i can't find the right words and right things to say, it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes, we might fall in love again, another sad attempt to win him back. i won't even start to cry, please no, at least leave me with my pride, and before we say goodbye, i guess there's no other way. The saddest part is that i try to say i love you, but the words get in the way. . .
your heart has always been an open door but baby i don't even know you anymore, if i ever knew you at all, and despite the fact it's hurting me, if you only know much it hurts, i know the time has come to set you free. . .

{Moving On}

I guess it's about time that I leave this chapter behind and start anew. I have been sad and gloomy for the longest time and I think I need to find means to dispel this sadness. . . it's killing me. . .
Anyway, I know I have a thousand reasons to be sad but come to think of it, I have a million other reasons to be happy. . . I know this is not an easy task but I know everyone would agree it's the best road to take even if I need to start everything from scratch . . .
My first move: to learn to love myself more. . . I guess I've been trying to give myself to people, try to give everything and too late to realize, I have nothing left for me. . .
Then I need to find my old self, I need to find the fun person I used to be. . . I know he's just there somewhere, I may have just overlooked him but I have this feeling I'm gonna find him.
Next move, I have to go home, 'coz I feel so sleepy and it's been an hour since my shift ended and my eyes are so tired from staring at the monitor. . .

Hurt....

I'm still on a "sad mode" , I try to just brush the thing that's bothering me off yet like a shadow, it's won't leave me until I'm kept in the dark. . .

The reason: I was stupid enough to commit the same mistake ('tangina, di na ko nadala!)

Anyway, I met this guy on-line. We used to just talk over the phone and text once in a while. Then finally we decided to meet and he went over out place. I expected him to just stay for a couple of hours and yet we might have enjoyed each other's company too much that he stayed from monday night and went home wednesday around 7pm.

The whole time, all we ever did was stay in my room, eat, drink Milo with creamer, hug, kiss, * * *, magkulitan, sleep, etc. I would leave him alone in my room just to prepare food, make him his milo, or go to the john's, etc. The point is, i was with him almost the whole time. . .

The days we're together, i thought i was just enjoying his company since we share a lot of things in common plus the fact that i made a vow not to fall for someone as of the current time so as to stay focussed with my current goals. And yet after he went home, I started missing him, I thought of it like a hang-over. . . that soon it will go away but it didn't, so I invited him to come over and told him I'll cook tuna pasta for him like I promised in one of our conversations.

Honestly, I was excited and yet here's the sad thing. . . while I was buying stuff needed to cook the freaking pasta, he texted me. . . I was with my bestfriend then but I try not to show him how I felt when I read the message. . .

"Pwede ba magsama?" as I read it, I didn't know what to say but anyway I replied "sure, sino ba 'yang kasama mo?"

"Bf ko, hehehe!" the exact message. . . i don't know but I feel hurt, still I just answered back saying "sige I'll see you and your bf tomorrow" and I don't know why. . .

Then finally, the day came, i cooked pasta, tidy my room, then he texted me saying that they may be late. . . i told him ok I'll just wait for you and your bf then he texted back, "i wish!" and they arrived 30 mins late with half a gallon of ice cream.

I served the pasta, they said they liked it, then ice cream. . . i was not able to eat, (i just don't feel like it) then we stayed in my room for nearly 2 hours just lying in my bed, the three of us chatting. . . but the thing is, I really felt jealous, all the time I'm restless, I was feeling more insecure as moments pass, I felt like it's one of the longest 2 hours of my life. . . and then it hit me, I'm falling for the guy. . .

Sadly, I felt that he liked that other guy, I don't know, I may be paranoid or something but now, I don't know what to do. . . I don't know how to finish this entry so I guess I'll just think things over and get back on this one...

''When You Say You Love Me''

I listen to this song, I guess too much lately. It makes me feel really melancholic, in a way that everytime I hear it, I felt caught up in a reverie of the past when I was loved by someone. I actually miss that feeling, that state of bliss and somewhat overwhelmed disorientation (if I may put it that way) when one says ''I love you'' to me. But the thing is after loving a couple of times and fail, I learn to fear loving. I now wonder why something as good as love must go with a package that includes pain? Why must one end up hurt when one loves? I try my best to believe that ''Amor Vincit Omnia'' (Love Conquers All) but I just cant help but think that it may just be some crap that one classical poet quoted and everyone was made to believe it. Now I feel sad that I have to be this pessimistic towards love. I dont know how to finish this but I guess Ill just have to listen to this song until I find the courage to love again and find someone who would love me true . . .

"When You Say You Love Me"
(Josh Groban)

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
Im falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I cant move.
At times I can hardly breathe.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

Youre the one Ive always thought of.
I dont know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
Youre where I belong.
And when youre with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, theres no one else alive

[bridge:]
And this journey that were on.
How far weve come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
Thats all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment, I know why I'm alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

(Originally posted on Friendster 06052005)

.::Final Distance::.

I went somewhere far today after my shift to meet someone. I spent almost two hours traveling and while on the road (maybe due to lack of sleep) I came to a weird realization. I just realized that in our everyday existence, we are governed by distance and that the main purpose for our existence is to overcome that distance.

In everything we do, we try to breach some kind of distance but more often than not, we fail. In the laws of Physics, no two objects can occupy the same position at the same time, thus, in the physical sense that distance is ever present. Im sure everyone would wonder where am I arriving at but I just felt like it is a sad reality that distance is the driving force of our everyday existence. Being far from the people we love physically is a sad experience but imagine if it goes to another level. In my job as a call center agent, I noticed that we all want to be seated next to the person we like or feel really comfortable with and when get seated apart from them, one way or another, we feel miserable. Same and more perhaps with our special someone, we just cant get enough of them and I definitely agree with the Corrs in saying that everybody is searching for intimacy.

In every relationship we had, it is not a question of whether we love the person or not, but whether we grow close or apart from them. Dont we most of the time use statements like we have grown apart, were living separate lives, etc . . . to describe a relationship that failed? And sometimes we so love the person but the distance between you two have grown so far that you cant find your way back to him?

Ever wonder how one so close, together almost every minute, doing almost everything together, sharing almost everything together and loving each other more than their own life but could simply say goodbye. I guess Distance just grew stronger between them.

But what is worse than having someone near you, physically there, holding you, kissing you and all that but his mind and heart is somewhere else? What is worse than being separated from than person in that manner? Would you still be willing to pursue and still run to that person in a desperate attempt to win him back and breach the distance between you two, even if that person seems to be running away from you? And if you went that far for him but he is running faster and you were not able to catch up, and you ran so far for him but still got left behind, where would the road lead you then?

I hope Im making sense, I cant get my thoughts well organized, Im distracted by customers calling (sisihin daw ba callers, kasi sa work ginagawa blog---sabi ng katabi ko:)

Having loved someone and failed brought me to this path where Im just surrounded by distance . . . I tried to breach distance and engage in a relationship but somehow it doesnt work . . . it just made me realize that the distance between me and love itself have gone to somewhere that seemed to have gone beyond my reach . . . thus, my FINAL DISTANCE . . .
(posted 062705 on friendster blog)

Inside that I cried

Im really not in the mood for a blog or whatever. Im just here at work, taking calls, not really listening to a customer blabbering on how she doesn’t get what she is paying for, busy contemplating why I should be taking calls when I have a slight fever and my tonsils are like ripe cherries ready for harvest but then, like a thief in the night, a familiar voice (Bulak) stole my senses with her singing of a song that I thought long gone coz I havent heard it for ages. It was right on cue, the cold air brought the song gently to my senses, all the other voices seem to drown with the melody of the song, that all the other people taking calls seem to move to background and the sound they create from talking to their own customers seemed muffled and somehow create a subtle harmony for that sad melody, my customer is about to end her tiresome litany of nonsense and I think was asking me something…But the song seem to slowly unlock a part of me long dormant . . . like a ghost it sends shiver though my every cell, like an undertaker with his shovel forcefully unearthing an emotion long buried and forgotten yet to my surprise survived--strong as it was when I first felt it . . . and I was caught on a state of dreamy disorientation (if there is such) and gave me dead air and a low QC score if ever my call was monitored since the customer may have been saying . . . are you there? for I dont know how long now.

Gladly I submit to every note, like a potent poison invading my every vein, every word seemed like a beautiful flower . . . after flower dropped on a sweet flowing stream that leads to a waterfall where it meets its final doom.

A song from Cece Penison that I last heard when my first tear fell because of the pain that love inflicted upon me. A song, no, a prophesy that I heard yet never gave notice until I realized that when again love moved around my corner bringing a lover that soon would leave...it brought me not to that path where it leads you to a river of tears yet just there staring, in the middle of the road, wondering why this time
IT WAS INSIDE THAT I CRIED . . .

''Inside That I Cried''
The talks we had on stormy nights
I often rushed away
When you were not in common sight
I was held by your embrace
I gaze and see the pain you feel
To think we had to part
I didn't feel you loved me
So I played games with your heart

CHORUS

It was inside that I cried
It was inside that I cried
No long drawn out speeches
No sad tear solves goodbye
It was inside that I cried
It was inside that I cried
Don't be deceived by what you saw
It was inside that I cried
You treated me just like a queen
For me that wasn't enough
You showered me with expensive things
But I found a new love
Mistakes I made were fatal ones
Finally I see you cared
I can't undo what has been done
Now I need you, and you're not there

CHORUS

BRIDGE

No more prayers to make for tomorrow
Our time has slipped away
I feel so helpless
There's nothing I can do or say
To make things better
It was inside that I cried
It was inside that I cried
Nolong drawn out speeches
No sad tear solves goodbye
It was inside that I cried for you
Now you're never coming back for me no more
Oh baby I know that I was wrong
So you left me all alone
Don't go
Don't be deceived by what you saw
It was inside that I cried

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