My Mentor

My mom is not just the most important person in my life but also served as my mentor. I grew up without a father and she raised me on her own. She was my first teacher who taught me how to read and write even before I started schooling. She introduced me to the world of books that brought me to places I never thought existed. She taught me how important reading is and how it can broaden your horizon.

As I was becoming a bit older, she became my adviser and my tutor in the social graces. She also opened my eyes to the intricacies of human relations and how to navigate my way through them. She is well versed in the art of diplomacy and even politics. The lessons I learned from her on this avenue helped me avoid unnecessary conflicts with the people I deal with and I believe is one of the reasons why I was always chosen to lead groups and organizations I participated in.

When I graduated in College, she taught me the importance of loving my work while maintaining a healthy life-work balance. She had me read books on management and insisted I learn how to manage my time efficiently. Lastly, she became my financial adviser teaching me to live within my means and learn to save for the future.

I did have other mentors (who I all respect and adore) but I can definitely say that among all of them my mom is on the top of my list.

"Sempurna", Madz sang it Perfectly

"Sempurna" is an Indonesian pop song originally by Andra & the Backbone. Then Gita Gutawa made a cover for the movie "Love" which was arranged by her father and popular musician, Erwin Gutawa. I never knew about this song until I heard the Philippine Madrigal Singers sing the choral version for it arranged by Ily Mathew Maniano (which I think is based more on the version of Gita Gutawa). They first sang it in their concert at the Festival Paduan Suara 1st Institut Teknologi Bandung International Choir Competition in Indonesia.

I saw 2 videos of them on YouTube singing the song but the video and audio quality is not that clear that I just moved on to the next song without finishing it. Until I watched their "All for Love" concert at the CCP last Feb. 12, 2011 and with the heavenly voice of Ms. Kitbielle Pasagui singing the solo, I fell in love with the song. Since then, I can't seem to forget about it and I would wake up some mornings with the song playing in my head.

I had a more profound appreciation of the song when I got the translation of the lyrics. "Sempurna" means "Perfect" and I think the song lives up to its title and when the Madz sang it during the concert, they made it sound DIVINE! 


SEMPURNA                                              PERFECT

Kau begitu sempurna                                  You are so perfect

Dimataku kau begitu indah                          In my eyes you are so exquisite

Kau membuat diriku                                   You make me want

Akan slalu memujamu                                 To always adore you

Disetiap langkahku                                     In every steps I take

Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu                   I will always remember  you

Tak bisa kubayangkan                                I could never imagine

Hidupku tanpa cintamu                                Living my life withou your love

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku                  Don't ever leave me

Takkan mampu menghadapi semua            I can't go through life without you

Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa                 I could only if I were with you

Ref:

Kau adalah darahku                                  You are my blood

Kau adalah jantungku                                You are my heart

Kau adalah hidupku                                   You are my life

Lengkapi diriku                                         You Complete me

Oh sayangku, kau begitu                           Oh my love, you are so

Sempurna.. Sempurna..                             Perfect... Perfect

Kau genggam tanganku                             You grasp my hand

Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh                   At times when I am weak and down

Kau bisikkan kata                                    You whispered words

dan hapus semua sesalku                          And drove all my worries away

Renaissance

the french term for the Italian: Rinascimento which was derived from "ri" meaning again and "nascere" "be born".

I totally forgot about this blog, I know it still exists but never found the time to write anything. The last post I wrote was about the death of my youngest sister's premature born child and along with it this blog was buried in the ashes.

I started shifting my attention to my job and it slowly took all my energy leaving none for creativity. I slowly and unwilling entered the dark ages. Until recently, events that transpired made me realize that life is too short and I realized I'm already "living to work "and not "working to live". I decided to quit my job and try out free lance work.

Now I think the dark ages are over and its time to signal the renaissance for this blog and my life in general. I am now on my way to living my life the way i wanted it to be and how it should be.

It may be difficult at first but I know once it's my decree, the universe will agree...

Song for Caressa May

August 26, 2007
You were brought into this world before your time. You came out feet first, not wanting to show us your face right away, wanting to surprise us with such astounding beauty that doesn't belong to this world. Words can't express the happiness we felt seeing you alive...and yet a profound sense of sadness knowing that you may not stay long with us.
We pray fervently for you to survive and you did your part extremely well, you fought bravely for your life. Such small hands reaching out to your mother, wanting to tell her everything will be fine, wanting to show her she has reasons for wanting to come out early.

August 27, 2007
"Alleluia... May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."
You stayed with us for such a very short time but your beauty shone brightly, deeply embedded in our minds and kept safe forever in our hearts. May you bring with you our love (overflowing) in your heart.
"Alleluia... Remember me, O Lord, when you come into your kingdom.
Alleluia... Give rest, O Lord, to your handmaid who has fallen asleep."
May the Blessed Virgin cradle you in her arms and let you sleep in her peace while she gently sends you to her son's embrace to receive the promise of eternal joy in His kingdom. May you rest in the infinite goodness of our dear Lord and maker.
"Alleluia... The Choir of Saints have found the well-spring of life and door of paradise.
Alleluia... Life; a shadow and a dream."
May God, the source of all things good, fill you from the spring of life and allow you to play freely in the garden of Eden...
"Alleluia...Weeping at the grave creates the song: Alleluia...
Come, enjoy rewards and crowns I have prepared for you.Alleluia..."
As you become an angel in God's heavenly domain, may you watch over us until we see each other again...

.::In Memory of our dearly beloved departed angel, my niece, Caressa May Ranara (August 26, 2007-August 27, 2007)::.

Incessant II

in constant search
for something that seemed
ever absent. . .

trying to reach
to someone who seemed
ever distant and indifferent. . .

Always longing
for some warmth that grows
ever so cold. . .

still looking for answers
to endless questions that would forever
remain a mystery. . .

all for nothing. . .

Incessant

I'm always searching,
never finding
continously seeking
it goes unending. . .

I'm always searching,
found no beginning
I'm still remembering
all the lost meaning. . .

I'm always searching,
seem to loose everything
all my dreams shattering
as loneliness keeps conquering. . .

I'm always searching,
never finding
I'm gradually fading
all for nothing. . .

(Dado Chronicles 01/28/2000)

Numb

I grieve,
hear me,
comfort me,
hold me,
hear my anguish. . .

'Cause I'm falling
gradually dying,
weakening,
save me,

I'm almost down. . .

My heart bleeds before you
I can't stop crying,
my tears overflows,
help me I'm drowning

I lost control. . .

I grieve,
you smile

I fell,
you soar high

Listen,
my voice is fading,
my inner voice resounding,
I screamed. . .

haven't i?

You can't hear me begging,
I wonder why?

(Dado Chronicles 08/18/1999)

Fall

And like a gentle flower it bloomed,
then suddenly, the gloom...
as quick as the ray of light,
a light that pierced through the depths of darkness
that swept its flesh

as sweet as the next rose,
guarded by its thorns,
slowly falling like the leaves of autumn
that signals the coming of death to the seasons...
it lies and withers...

oh, how can such beauty finds its doom!

Death vol. 2

Adolescence saw the dawn of the decline of my fear. The raging hormones that brought about rapid physical changes along with the busy school schedule helped me forget about my fear. There were times that I still give in to this fear but thanks to Bayantel, who made phone lines readily available for mass consumption, I was able to cope with it easily coz now I can call friends and we chat all night ‘til we both feel exhausted and fell asleep as soon as we hang-up. No more time to think then. . .no more dreams. . .no more nightmares. . .

Third phase over. . .

transition. . .

It was a time for young adulthood. Now I faced the reality of death. People I know, people I cared for. . .those I call my friends. . .people I don’t expect to go that soon. . .all succumbed to death.

At this point I began to ponder about death. . .its mystery. . .its beauty. . .its purpose. . .

I tried to understand the reasons why I fear death. . .and found none. . .then I stopped thinking. . .and then I stopped fearing. . .

understanding. . .

When I was offered work abroad, somehow I was thrilled by the idea. . .but the thought of leaving home filled my heart with sadness. I thought of the people I will have to leave. . .I thought of my loved ones. . .I thought of our plans together. . .I can’t bear the thought of missing out. . .Even for a moment. . .what more for two years. . and then I heard that voice, calling from the darkest regions of my inner self. . .the familiar voice that brought me nightmares and sleepless nights. . .

Then I fell ill, trangkaso. . .as I lie in bed burning with fever, I began to think about the probability of death. And surprisingly, I felt not even the slightest hint of fear. . .But then I remembered my family, my friends, everyone I love. . .then suddenly I felt fear, it came so gently, like a soft breeze. . .that suddenly blew harder. . .and colder. . .that froze my every thought. . .that paralyzed my ever muscle. . .

and the realization hit me. . .all this time I thought I fear death itself, but now I know the real source of my fear. . .

I fear leaving my loved ones; I fear losing them. . .I guess I have this tendency to be extremely attached. . .that I can never let go (or I’m just afraid to let go?). . .

I fear death. . .I fear its capacity to separate me from the people I love. . .I actually fear the separation. . .

Death vol. 1

I used to fear death, or should I say, I thought I fear death.

In my early years I would stay awake at night, invoking the protection of the highest powers . . . importuning their grace to allow my soul to stay on my earthly body. In my plea, I usually include an unending list of reasons why I deserve to have another day. . .then after I enervate myself from praying, I would hug my Lola tight and I won’t let go ‘till morning comes.

It was the fist phase. . .

As I grew older, my fear took on a different form. I now fear the death of my loved ones. I would implore the mercy of our creator to keep them safe from harm. I developed this habit of always checking to see if they’re alright, especially when they’re sleeping. I would check for indication of life by means of observing their breathing. I would observe them for a minute or two and when I see a regular intake and release of breath, I can breathe easily myself and express my gratitude to God.

This fear would haunt me not only on my waking hours but even in my sleep. It turns even the most pleasant dreams into nightmares, then. . .I’ll wake up crying and unable to sleep again.

Second phase ends. . .

[Continued…]

You Don't Bring Me Flowers

You Don't Bring Me Flowers (Barbra Streisand)
I used to hear the song a lot when I was young but never really took notice of it until recently when I borrowed "Barbra: The Concert" VCD, the one that was staged like a 2 act musical (loved this production). Anyway, when I got to the 2nd Act of the concert, I was so moved when she sang this song. I really felt bad, as I listen to every word within the song. It brought me back to that feeling I had with an ex who was so afraid to loose . . .(long story)
Anyway I find this song really tragic . . . the beginning of the song recounts how their relationship turned sour . . . You don't bring me flowers, You don't sing me love songs, You hardly talk to me anymore, When you come through the door at the end of the day . . . And then came the worst part . . . I remember when, You couldn't wait to love me, Used to hate to leave me, Now after lovin' me late at night, When it's good for you and you're feeling all right, Well you just roll over and you turn out the light . . . I find this line so depressing . . . i can just imagine the feeling of being degraded to a mere sex object. anyway, just want to share this song, but i love the song, the melody and the lyrics really goes well together and Barbra sang it really well, i love the solo version though instead of the duet version. . .

[words get in the way]

i realized you're seeing someone new. . .the realization hit me like a bomb, shattering my heart into pieces. . . Another proof that the truth fucking hurts! i don't believe he knows you like i do. . . then came denial, excuses. . . make myself believe that he might be wrong, that soon, he will come to his senses and forget about the other guy for me. your temperamental moody side, the one you're always tryin to hide from me. . .then it hit me, i may not really know him after all. . .am i just pretending to know when you have something on your mind, you've been tryin to tell me for the longest time . . . i guess all the while im just fooling myself, and before you break my heart in two there's something i've been tryin to say to you. . .
but the words got in the way, there's so much i want to say, so much that i don't even know where to start, it seems too big in my head that i can't find the right words and right things to say, it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes, we might fall in love again, another sad attempt to win him back. i won't even start to cry, please no, at least leave me with my pride, and before we say goodbye, i guess there's no other way. The saddest part is that i try to say i love you, but the words get in the way. . .
your heart has always been an open door but baby i don't even know you anymore, if i ever knew you at all, and despite the fact it's hurting me, if you only know much it hurts, i know the time has come to set you free. . .

{Moving On}

I guess it's about time that I leave this chapter behind and start anew. I have been sad and gloomy for the longest time and I think I need to find means to dispel this sadness. . . it's killing me. . .
Anyway, I know I have a thousand reasons to be sad but come to think of it, I have a million other reasons to be happy. . . I know this is not an easy task but I know everyone would agree it's the best road to take even if I need to start everything from scratch . . .
My first move: to learn to love myself more. . . I guess I've been trying to give myself to people, try to give everything and too late to realize, I have nothing left for me. . .
Then I need to find my old self, I need to find the fun person I used to be. . . I know he's just there somewhere, I may have just overlooked him but I have this feeling I'm gonna find him.
Next move, I have to go home, 'coz I feel so sleepy and it's been an hour since my shift ended and my eyes are so tired from staring at the monitor. . .

Hurt....

I'm still on a "sad mode" , I try to just brush the thing that's bothering me off yet like a shadow, it's won't leave me until I'm kept in the dark. . .

The reason: I was stupid enough to commit the same mistake ('tangina, di na ko nadala!)

Anyway, I met this guy on-line. We used to just talk over the phone and text once in a while. Then finally we decided to meet and he went over out place. I expected him to just stay for a couple of hours and yet we might have enjoyed each other's company too much that he stayed from monday night and went home wednesday around 7pm.

The whole time, all we ever did was stay in my room, eat, drink Milo with creamer, hug, kiss, * * *, magkulitan, sleep, etc. I would leave him alone in my room just to prepare food, make him his milo, or go to the john's, etc. The point is, i was with him almost the whole time. . .

The days we're together, i thought i was just enjoying his company since we share a lot of things in common plus the fact that i made a vow not to fall for someone as of the current time so as to stay focussed with my current goals. And yet after he went home, I started missing him, I thought of it like a hang-over. . . that soon it will go away but it didn't, so I invited him to come over and told him I'll cook tuna pasta for him like I promised in one of our conversations.

Honestly, I was excited and yet here's the sad thing. . . while I was buying stuff needed to cook the freaking pasta, he texted me. . . I was with my bestfriend then but I try not to show him how I felt when I read the message. . .

"Pwede ba magsama?" as I read it, I didn't know what to say but anyway I replied "sure, sino ba 'yang kasama mo?"

"Bf ko, hehehe!" the exact message. . . i don't know but I feel hurt, still I just answered back saying "sige I'll see you and your bf tomorrow" and I don't know why. . .

Then finally, the day came, i cooked pasta, tidy my room, then he texted me saying that they may be late. . . i told him ok I'll just wait for you and your bf then he texted back, "i wish!" and they arrived 30 mins late with half a gallon of ice cream.

I served the pasta, they said they liked it, then ice cream. . . i was not able to eat, (i just don't feel like it) then we stayed in my room for nearly 2 hours just lying in my bed, the three of us chatting. . . but the thing is, I really felt jealous, all the time I'm restless, I was feeling more insecure as moments pass, I felt like it's one of the longest 2 hours of my life. . . and then it hit me, I'm falling for the guy. . .

Sadly, I felt that he liked that other guy, I don't know, I may be paranoid or something but now, I don't know what to do. . . I don't know how to finish this entry so I guess I'll just think things over and get back on this one...

''When You Say You Love Me''

I listen to this song, I guess too much lately. It makes me feel really melancholic, in a way that everytime I hear it, I felt caught up in a reverie of the past when I was loved by someone. I actually miss that feeling, that state of bliss and somewhat overwhelmed disorientation (if I may put it that way) when one says ''I love you'' to me. But the thing is after loving a couple of times and fail, I learn to fear loving. I now wonder why something as good as love must go with a package that includes pain? Why must one end up hurt when one loves? I try my best to believe that ''Amor Vincit Omnia'' (Love Conquers All) but I just cant help but think that it may just be some crap that one classical poet quoted and everyone was made to believe it. Now I feel sad that I have to be this pessimistic towards love. I dont know how to finish this but I guess Ill just have to listen to this song until I find the courage to love again and find someone who would love me true . . .

"When You Say You Love Me"

(Josh Groban)

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
Im falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I cant move.
At times I can hardly breathe.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

Youre the one Ive always thought of.
I dont know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
Youre where I belong.
And when youre with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, theres no one else alive

[bridge:]
And this journey that were on.
How far weve come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
Thats all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment, I know why I'm alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

(Originally posted on Friendster 06052005)

.::Final Distance::.

I went somewhere far today after my shift to meet someone. I spent almost two hours traveling and while on the road (maybe due to lack of sleep) I came to a weird realization. I just realized that in our everyday existence, we are governed by distance and that the main purpose for our existence is to overcome that distance.

In everything we do, we try to breach some kind of distance but more often than not, we fail. In the laws of Physics, no two objects can occupy the same position at the same time, thus, in the physical sense that distance is ever present. Im sure everyone would wonder where am I arriving at but I just felt like it is a sad reality that distance is the driving force of our everyday existence. Being far from the people we love physically is a sad experience but imagine if it goes to another level. In my job as a call center agent, I noticed that we all want to be seated next to the person we like or feel really comfortable with and when get seated apart from them, one way or another, we feel miserable. Same and more perhaps with our special someone, we just cant get enough of them and I definitely agree with the Corrs in saying that everybody is searching for intimacy.

In every relationship we had, it is not a question of whether we love the person or not, but whether we grow close or apart from them. Dont we most of the time use statements like we have grown apart, were living separate lives, etc . . . to describe a relationship that failed? And sometimes we so love the person but the distance between you two have grown so far that you cant find your way back to him?

Ever wonder how one so close, together almost every minute, doing almost everything together, sharing almost everything together and loving each other more than their own life but could simply say goodbye. I guess Distance just grew stronger between them.

But what is worse than having someone near you, physically there, holding you, kissing you and all that but his mind and heart is somewhere else? What is worse than being separated from than person in that manner? Would you still be willing to pursue and still run to that person in a desperate attempt to win him back and breach the distance between you two, even if that person seems to be running away from you? And if you went that far for him but he is running faster and you were not able to catch up, and you ran so far for him but still got left behind, where would the road lead you then?

I hope Im making sense, I cant get my thoughts well organized, Im distracted by customers calling (sisihin daw ba callers, kasi sa work ginagawa blog---sabi ng katabi ko:)

Having loved someone and failed brought me to this path where Im just surrounded by distance . . . I tried to breach distance and engage in a relationship but somehow it doesnt work . . . it just made me realize that the distance between me and love itself have gone to somewhere that seemed to have gone beyond my reach . . . thus, my FINAL DISTANCE . . . (posted 062705 on friendster blog)

Inside that I cried

Im really not in the mood for a blog or whatever. Im just here at work, taking calls, not really listening to a customer blabbering on how she doesn’t get what she is paying for, busy contemplating why I should be taking calls when I have a slight fever and my tonsils are like ripe cherries ready for harvest but then, like a thief in the night, a familiar voice (Bulak) stole my senses with her singing of a song that I thought long gone coz I havent heard it for ages. It was right on cue, the cold air brought the song gently to my senses, all the other voices seem to drown with the melody of the song, that all the other people taking calls seem to move to background and the sound they create from talking to their own customers seemed muffled and somehow create a subtle harmony for that sad melody, my customer is about to end her tiresome litany of nonsense and I think was asking me something…But the song seem to slowly unlock a part of me long dormant . . . like a ghost it sends shiver though my every cell, like an undertaker with his shovel forcefully unearthing an emotion long buried and forgotten yet to my surprise survived--strong as it was when I first felt it . . . and I was caught on a state of dreamy disorientation (if there is such) and gave me dead air and a low QC score if ever my call was monitored since the customer may have been saying . . . are you there? for I dont know how long now.

Gladly I submit to every note, like a potent poison invading my every vein, every word seemed like a beautiful flower . . . after flower dropped on a sweet flowing stream that leads to a waterfall where it meets its final doom.

A song from Cece Penison that I last heard when my first tear fell because of the pain that love inflicted upon me. A song, no, a prophesy that I heard yet never gave notice until I realized that when again love moved around my corner bringing a lover that soon would leave...it brought me not to that path where it leads you to a river of tears yet just there staring, in the middle of the road, wondering why this time IT WAS INSIDE THAT I CRIED . . .

''Inside That I Cried''
The talks we had on stormy nights
I often rushed away
When you were not in common sight
I was held by your embrace
I gaze and see the pain you feel
To think we had to part
I didn't feel you loved me
So I played games with your heart

CHORUS

It was inside that I cried
It was inside that I cried
No long drawn out speeches
No sad tear solves goodbye
It was inside that I cried
It was inside that I cried
Don't be deceived by what you saw
It was inside that I cried
You treated me just like a queen
For me that wasn't enough
You showered me with expensive things
But I found a new love
Mistakes I made were fatal ones
Finally I see you cared
I can't undo what has been done
Now I need you, and you're not there

CHORUS

BRIDGE

No more prayers to make for tomorrow
Our time has slipped away
I feel so helpless
There's nothing I can do or say
To make things better
It was inside that I cried
It was inside that I cried
Nolong drawn out speeches
No sad tear solves goodbye
It was inside that I cried for you
Now you're never coming back for me no more
Oh baby I know that I was wrong
So you left me all alone
Don't go
Don't be deceived by what you saw
It was inside that I cried