Death vol. 2

Adolescence saw the dawn of the decline of my fear. The raging hormones that brought about rapid physical changes along with the busy school schedule helped me forget about my fear. There were times that I still give in to this fear but thanks to Bayantel, who made phone lines readily available for mass consumption, I was able to cope with it easily coz now I can call friends and we chat all night ‘til we both feel exhausted and fell asleep as soon as we hang-up. No more time to think then. . .no more dreams. . .no more nightmares. . .

Third phase over. . .

transition. . .

It was a time for young adulthood. Now I faced the reality of death. People I know, people I cared for. . .those I call my friends. . .people I don’t expect to go that soon. . .all succumbed to death.

At this point I began to ponder about death. . .its mystery. . .its beauty. . .its purpose. . .

I tried to understand the reasons why I fear death. . .and found none. . .then I stopped thinking. . .and then I stopped fearing. . .

understanding. . .

When I was offered work abroad, somehow I was thrilled by the idea. . .but the thought of leaving home filled my heart with sadness. I thought of the people I will have to leave. . .I thought of my loved ones. . .I thought of our plans together. . .I can’t bear the thought of missing out. . .Even for a moment. . .what more for two years. . and then I heard that voice, calling from the darkest regions of my inner self. . .the familiar voice that brought me nightmares and sleepless nights. . .

Then I fell ill, trangkaso. . .as I lie in bed burning with fever, I began to think about the probability of death. And surprisingly, I felt not even the slightest hint of fear. . .But then I remembered my family, my friends, everyone I love. . .then suddenly I felt fear, it came so gently, like a soft breeze. . .that suddenly blew harder. . .and colder. . .that froze my every thought. . .that paralyzed my ever muscle. . .

and the realization hit me. . .all this time I thought I fear death itself, but now I know the real source of my fear. . .

I fear leaving my loved ones; I fear losing them. . .I guess I have this tendency to be extremely attached. . .that I can never let go (or I’m just afraid to let go?). . .

I fear death. . .I fear its capacity to separate me from the people I love. . .I actually fear the separation. . .

Death vol. 1

I used to fear death, or should I say, I thought I fear death.

In my early years I would stay awake at night, invoking the protection of the highest powers . . . importuning their grace to allow my soul to stay on my earthly body. In my plea, I usually include an unending list of reasons why I deserve to have another day. . .then after I enervate myself from praying, I would hug my Lola tight and I won’t let go ‘till morning comes.

It was the fist phase. . .

As I grew older, my fear took on a different form. I now fear the death of my loved ones. I would implore the mercy of our creator to keep them safe from harm. I developed this habit of always checking to see if they’re alright, especially when they’re sleeping. I would check for indication of life by means of observing their breathing. I would observe them for a minute or two and when I see a regular intake and release of breath, I can breathe easily myself and express my gratitude to God.

This fear would haunt me not only on my waking hours but even in my sleep. It turns even the most pleasant dreams into nightmares, then. . .I’ll wake up crying and unable to sleep again.

Second phase ends. . .

[Continued…]