Song for Caressa May

August 26, 2007
You were brought into this world before your time. You came out feet first, not wanting to show us your face right away, wanting to surprise us with such astounding beauty that doesn't belong to this world. Words can't express the happiness we felt seeing you alive...and yet a profound sense of sadness knowing that you may not stay long with us.
We pray fervently for you to survive and you did your part extremely well, you fought bravely for your life. Such small hands reaching out to your mother, wanting to tell her everything will be fine, wanting to show her she has reasons for wanting to come out early.

August 27, 2007
"Alleluia... May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."
You stayed with us for such a very short time but your beauty shone brightly, deeply embedded in our minds and kept safe forever in our hearts. May you bring with you our love (overflowing) in your heart.
"Alleluia... Remember me, O Lord, when you come into your kingdom.
Alleluia... Give rest, O Lord, to your handmaid who has fallen asleep."
May the Blessed Virgin cradle you in her arms and let you sleep in her peace while she gently sends you to her son's embrace to receive the promise of eternal joy in His kingdom. May you rest in the infinite goodness of our dear Lord and maker.
"Alleluia... The Choir of Saints have found the well-spring of life and door of paradise.
Alleluia... Life; a shadow and a dream."
May God, the source of all things good, fill you from the spring of life and allow you to play freely in the garden of Eden...
"Alleluia...Weeping at the grave creates the song: Alleluia...
Come, enjoy rewards and crowns I have prepared for you.Alleluia..."
As you become an angel in God's heavenly domain, may you watch over us until we see each other again...

.::In Memory of our dearly beloved departed angel, my niece, Caressa May Ranara (August 26, 2007-August 27, 2007)::.

Incessant II

in constant search
for something that seemed
ever absent. . .

trying to reach
to someone who seemed
ever distant and indifferent. . .

Always longing
for some warmth that grows
ever so cold. . .

still looking for answers
to endless questions that would forever
remain a mystery. . .

all for nothing. . .

Incessant

I'm always searching,
never finding
continously seeking
it goes unending. . .

I'm always searching,
found no beginning
I'm still remembering
all the lost meaning. . .

I'm always searching,
seem to loose everything
all my dreams shattering
as loneliness keeps conquering. . .

I'm always searching,
never finding
I'm gradually fading
all for nothing. . .

(Dado Chronicles 01/28/2000)

Numb

I grieve,
hear me,
comfort me,
hold me,
hear my anguish. . .

'Cause I'm falling
gradually dying,
weakening,
save me,

I'm almost down. . .

My heart bleeds before you
I can't stop crying,
my tears overflows,
help me I'm drowning

I lost control. . .

I grieve,
you smile

I fell,
you soar high

Listen,
my voice is fading,
my inner voice resounding,
I screamed. . .

haven't i?

You can't hear me begging,
I wonder why?

(Dado Chronicles 08/18/1999)

Fall

And like a gentle flower it bloomed,
then suddenly, the gloom...
as quick as the ray of light,
a light that pierced through the depths of darkness
that swept its flesh

as sweet as the next rose,
guarded by its thorns,
slowly falling like the leaves of autumn
that signals the coming of death to the seasons...
it lies and withers...

oh, how can such beauty finds its doom!

Death vol. 2

Adolescence saw the dawn of the decline of my fear. The raging hormones that brought about rapid physical changes along with the busy school schedule helped me forget about my fear. There were times that I still give in to this fear but thanks to Bayantel, who made phone lines readily available for mass consumption, I was able to cope with it easily coz now I can call friends and we chat all night ‘til we both feel exhausted and fell asleep as soon as we hang-up. No more time to think then. . .no more dreams. . .no more nightmares. . .

Third phase over. . .

transition. . .

It was a time for young adulthood. Now I faced the reality of death. People I know, people I cared for. . .those I call my friends. . .people I don’t expect to go that soon. . .all succumbed to death.

At this point I began to ponder about death. . .its mystery. . .its beauty. . .its purpose. . .

I tried to understand the reasons why I fear death. . .and found none. . .then I stopped thinking. . .and then I stopped fearing. . .

understanding. . .

When I was offered work abroad, somehow I was thrilled by the idea. . .but the thought of leaving home filled my heart with sadness. I thought of the people I will have to leave. . .I thought of my loved ones. . .I thought of our plans together. . .I can’t bear the thought of missing out. . .Even for a moment. . .what more for two years. . and then I heard that voice, calling from the darkest regions of my inner self. . .the familiar voice that brought me nightmares and sleepless nights. . .

Then I fell ill, trangkaso. . .as I lie in bed burning with fever, I began to think about the probability of death. And surprisingly, I felt not even the slightest hint of fear. . .But then I remembered my family, my friends, everyone I love. . .then suddenly I felt fear, it came so gently, like a soft breeze. . .that suddenly blew harder. . .and colder. . .that froze my every thought. . .that paralyzed my ever muscle. . .

and the realization hit me. . .all this time I thought I fear death itself, but now I know the real source of my fear. . .

I fear leaving my loved ones; I fear losing them. . .I guess I have this tendency to be extremely attached. . .that I can never let go (or I’m just afraid to let go?). . .

I fear death. . .I fear its capacity to separate me from the people I love. . .I actually fear the separation. . .

Death vol. 1

I used to fear death, or should I say, I thought I fear death.

In my early years I would stay awake at night, invoking the protection of the highest powers . . . importuning their grace to allow my soul to stay on my earthly body. In my plea, I usually include an unending list of reasons why I deserve to have another day. . .then after I enervate myself from praying, I would hug my Lola tight and I won’t let go ‘till morning comes.

It was the fist phase. . .

As I grew older, my fear took on a different form. I now fear the death of my loved ones. I would implore the mercy of our creator to keep them safe from harm. I developed this habit of always checking to see if they’re alright, especially when they’re sleeping. I would check for indication of life by means of observing their breathing. I would observe them for a minute or two and when I see a regular intake and release of breath, I can breathe easily myself and express my gratitude to God.

This fear would haunt me not only on my waking hours but even in my sleep. It turns even the most pleasant dreams into nightmares, then. . .I’ll wake up crying and unable to sleep again.

Second phase ends. . .

[Continued…]

You Don't Bring Me Flowers

You Don't Bring Me Flowers (Barbra Streisand)
I used to hear the song a lot when I was young but never really took notice of it until recently when I borrowed "Barbra: The Concert" VCD, the one that was staged like a 2 act musical (loved this production). Anyway, when I got to the 2nd Act of the concert, I was so moved when she sang this song. I really felt bad, as I listen to every word within the song. It brought me back to that feeling I had with an ex who was so afraid to loose . . .(long story)
Anyway I find this song really tragic . . . the beginning of the song recounts how their relationship turned sour . . . You don't bring me flowers, You don't sing me love songs, You hardly talk to me anymore, When you come through the door at the end of the day . . . And then came the worst part . . . I remember when, You couldn't wait to love me, Used to hate to leave me, Now after lovin' me late at night, When it's good for you and you're feeling all right, Well you just roll over and you turn out the light . . . I find this line so depressing . . . i can just imagine the feeling of being degraded to a mere sex object. anyway, just want to share this song, but i love the song, the melody and the lyrics really goes well together and Barbra sang it really well, i love the solo version though instead of the duet version. . .

[words get in the way]

i realized you're seeing someone new. . .the realization hit me like a bomb, shattering my heart into pieces. . . Another proof that the truth fucking hurts! i don't believe he knows you like i do. . . then came denial, excuses. . . make myself believe that he might be wrong, that soon, he will come to his senses and forget about the other guy for me. your temperamental moody side, the one you're always tryin to hide from me. . .then it hit me, i may not really know him after all. . .am i just pretending to know when you have something on your mind, you've been tryin to tell me for the longest time . . . i guess all the while im just fooling myself, and before you break my heart in two there's something i've been tryin to say to you. . .
but the words got in the way, there's so much i want to say, so much that i don't even know where to start, it seems too big in my head that i can't find the right words and right things to say, it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes, we might fall in love again, another sad attempt to win him back. i won't even start to cry, please no, at least leave me with my pride, and before we say goodbye, i guess there's no other way. The saddest part is that i try to say i love you, but the words get in the way. . .
your heart has always been an open door but baby i don't even know you anymore, if i ever knew you at all, and despite the fact it's hurting me, if you only know much it hurts, i know the time has come to set you free. . .

{Moving On}

I guess it's about time that I leave this chapter behind and start anew. I have been sad and gloomy for the longest time and I think I need to find means to dispel this sadness. . . it's killing me. . .
Anyway, I know I have a thousand reasons to be sad but come to think of it, I have a million other reasons to be happy. . . I know this is not an easy task but I know everyone would agree it's the best road to take even if I need to start everything from scratch . . .
My first move: to learn to love myself more. . . I guess I've been trying to give myself to people, try to give everything and too late to realize, I have nothing left for me. . .
Then I need to find my old self, I need to find the fun person I used to be. . . I know he's just there somewhere, I may have just overlooked him but I have this feeling I'm gonna find him.
Next move, I have to go home, 'coz I feel so sleepy and it's been an hour since my shift ended and my eyes are so tired from staring at the monitor. . .