Adolescence saw the dawn of the decline of my fear. The raging hormones that brought about rapid physical changes along with the busy school schedule helped me forget about my fear. There were times that I still give in to this fear but thanks to Bayantel, who made phone lines readily available for mass consumption, I was able to cope with it easily coz now I can call friends and we chat all night ‘til we both feel exhausted and fell asleep as soon as we hang-up. No more time to think then. . .no more dreams. . .no more nightmares. . .
Third phase over. . .
transition. . .
It was a time for young adulthood. Now I faced the reality of death. People I know, people I cared for. . .those I call my friends. . .people I don’t expect to go that soon. . .all succumbed to death.
At this point I began to ponder about death. . .its mystery. . .its beauty. . .its purpose. . .
I tried to understand the reasons why I fear death. . .and found none. . .then I stopped thinking. . .and then I stopped fearing. . .
understanding. . .
When I was offered work abroad, somehow I was thrilled by the idea. . .but the thought of leaving home filled my heart with sadness. I thought of the people I will have to leave. . .I thought of my loved ones. . .I thought of our plans together. . .I can’t bear the thought of missing out. . .Even for a moment. . .what more for two years. . and then I heard that voice, calling from the darkest regions of my inner self. . .the familiar voice that brought me nightmares and sleepless nights. . .
Then I fell ill, trangkaso. . .as I lie in bed burning with fever, I began to think about the probability of death. And surprisingly, I felt not even the slightest hint of fear. . .But then I remembered my family, my friends, everyone I love. . .then suddenly I felt fear, it came so gently, like a soft breeze. . .that suddenly blew harder. . .and colder. . .that froze my every thought. . .that paralyzed my ever muscle. . .
and the realization hit me. . .all this time I thought I fear death itself, but now I know the real source of my fear. . .
I fear leaving my loved ones; I fear losing them. . .I guess I have this tendency to be extremely attached. . .that I can never let go (or I’m just afraid to let go?). . .
I fear death. . .I fear its capacity to separate me from the people I love. . .I actually fear the separation. . .
Third phase over. . .
transition. . .
It was a time for young adulthood. Now I faced the reality of death. People I know, people I cared for. . .those I call my friends. . .people I don’t expect to go that soon. . .all succumbed to death.
At this point I began to ponder about death. . .its mystery. . .its beauty. . .its purpose. . .
I tried to understand the reasons why I fear death. . .and found none. . .then I stopped thinking. . .and then I stopped fearing. . .
understanding. . .
When I was offered work abroad, somehow I was thrilled by the idea. . .but the thought of leaving home filled my heart with sadness. I thought of the people I will have to leave. . .I thought of my loved ones. . .I thought of our plans together. . .I can’t bear the thought of missing out. . .Even for a moment. . .what more for two years. . and then I heard that voice, calling from the darkest regions of my inner self. . .the familiar voice that brought me nightmares and sleepless nights. . .
Then I fell ill, trangkaso. . .as I lie in bed burning with fever, I began to think about the probability of death. And surprisingly, I felt not even the slightest hint of fear. . .But then I remembered my family, my friends, everyone I love. . .then suddenly I felt fear, it came so gently, like a soft breeze. . .that suddenly blew harder. . .and colder. . .that froze my every thought. . .that paralyzed my ever muscle. . .
and the realization hit me. . .all this time I thought I fear death itself, but now I know the real source of my fear. . .
I fear leaving my loved ones; I fear losing them. . .I guess I have this tendency to be extremely attached. . .that I can never let go (or I’m just afraid to let go?). . .
I fear death. . .I fear its capacity to separate me from the people I love. . .I actually fear the separation. . .
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